Who I am Today - Positivity group post

Dear Trust,

You and I have never been on speaking terms. In fact we have never lived in the same room, possibly never inhabited the same planet. We see things completely at odds, and have never been able to reconcile our differences.

Well, I'd like you to know something. I was wrong and you were right. For years you told me to listen to all the things I was telling other people. You told me to trust the advice my heart gave. I never did, never could.

I was good at telling everyone else what to do. I was brilliant at solving other people's problems and being there for them through their wide variety of troubles, some so close to home that maybe I was blind to the advice I was giving being an echo of what I needed to do. I was the agony aunt, the shoulder, the provider of tissues and endless advice, whilst blithely ignoring the fact that I wasn't dealing with the single biggest issue in my life.

You see, I gave up on trust early, probably not long after I learned to feed and dress myself. Other blogs have dealt with that side of my life, and no doubt will again. You wouldn't go away and I couldn't work out what I had to do to make you shut up! People were untrustworthy. If I let down my guard, I'd be hurt, repeatedly. Didn't I have the proof? Didn't I show you that proof? But no, you kept on and on, hoping to wear me down, make me take a brick or two out of the wall, peek through and let someone peek back.

Well, tentatively, clinging tightly to the walls, digging my fingers in deep in case I got yanked through and into the open, I took out a brick. If nothing else I thought it would shut you up. Of course it didn't, I should have known that. As soon as one brick was chipped away, you were whispering at me to take out more, and more, and yet more until I become the Berlin Wall in miniature, gone forever.

Hold up there, Trust. Let me tell you right now, I've taken out two bricks and that's as far as I am going right now. It's scary out there and there's someone waiting to hold my hand, walk me through trusting until I can do it. Do you have any idea how much courage it has taken for me to come this far? Or how much more will be required to take that hand? ...

Hmm, you know something else? You've forced me into acknowledging that I am stronger and braver than I ever gave myself credit for. Ok, I'm no Joan of Arc or Helen Keller, but I've got some guts buried in there. Maybe some tenacity too. Allow me to tell you what you finally managed to do for me, Trust.

You swore I had a talent for writing, if I would only trust in my ability - I've been published several times now, with my short stories.

You swore I'd reach a place where I could control the worst of my depression, although you neglected to warn me how bad it would get in the meantime - I'm still here, still fighting, and slowly, by minute degrees, I'm getting there.

You swore I'd one day find someone who would be the friend I had never allowed myself to have, one I could trust without reservation. - Fair enough, I give in. I'll hold my hands up, wave the white flag and tell you what you want to hear. You were right, I was wrong and, for once in my life, I don't mind admitting it.

Now don't you go getting all smug because it isn't that simple. Remember, only two bricks have gone and there is an awful lot of time going to pass before you can swing out the wrecking ball, but yes, one day it'll happen just like it happened in Berlin. I guess you finally taught me how to trust myself, but do me a favour.... For the tough days, don't go too far away. Be there to come back and whisper reassurance to me when I take that hand, break down that wall and walk into that 'brave new world' where trust no longer has a capital letter.

Thank you
Gill

(Image found here)