History - GBE2 prompt

“Hello. You there, with the emo fringe and appalling dye-job. Wait up. Oh come on! Surely you can hear me. Do you not have a sensitive bone in your body?”

My fifteen year-old nephew, Zack. Of course he is insensitive. He's a teen. Fine, just get in the damn car and go. I'll walk shall I? I've heard of being late for your own funeral but this is bloody ridiculous!

Ooh, no problem, Auntie Sadie will do. That zimmer slows her down. I'll just have to put up with the smell of pee and the inanities. Dementia is her only friend these days. She's outlived the rest! Mind you, I have my suspicions about how far gone the old cow actually is. I think she just enjoys being rude and getting away with it because no-one dares say anything.

There. Mission accomplished. Weird riding in the third car back when the rest of me is up the front there. Nice display of flowers. Anne's wreath's a bit cheesy. All that 'Sister' spelled out in white carnations. She knows I hate those things. They smell weird. Not as bad as Aunt Sadie though. Good grief, when did you last wash, ya daft old bat?

Why can I still smell things? Aren't I supposed to waft about leaving peculiar whiffs and the odd draught? Goose walking over your grave and all that. I note we're heading for the Crem. Typical Anne. Too tight to buy a plot, a nice coffin and a headstone. Bit of plyboard and a burst of flame and she's in the clear. She'd better not dump my bloody ashes on those stupid sodding roses of hers!

Hmm lots of cars in the lot. Good turnout. Few from work. Loads of relatives. Bet most of 'em only came for the booze-up after. If they think Anne is gonna lay on a free bar they don't know my sister. Surprised she didn't dump me in a cardboard box from Tesco and bury me in the back garden. Ooh, that's Graham from accounts. Always thought he had a thing for me. Let's see if I can get a bit closer. This incorporeal stuff takes some getting the hang of.

That's better. Well, sort of. Can't believe Denise from Sales is hitting on Graham. It's my funeral, for gods sake. I'm supposed to be the centre of attention! What the... I didn't think people would actually bad-mouth me before I'm a pile of dust! Dammit, I can't even do anything to her. How dare she call me needy and a bit plain. Bitch! What the hell happened to poltergeist activity and all that? Can't even whisper curses in her ear! Stupid Graham agreeing 'cos he wants a quickie behind the chapel. He's in for a surprise. Bet he doesn't know Denise used to Denis, and she's not quite 'done' yet.

Ah, this is better. Always loved Auntie Ivy and Uncle Trev. Fond memories of her choc chip cookies and his teaching me chess. They never made a fuss when I stayed. Let me run riot as I remember. Good folks. Nice spot to watch the service. Wonder who's doing the eulogy? Dan? Seriously? We've been divorced five years and still aren't done hating, Who the hell thought this was a good move? I'm betting Anne. She was always jealous. Not my fault he was her boyfriend first. She couldn't keep him, I could. Well, for awhile anyway. Oh bugger... Not sure I want to hear this... Wonder how I disapparate... or whatever it's called?

Yeah, let me tell you, no-one was as surprised as me at my 'sudden and tragic departure'! Who knew walking over a grating could be fatal? It takes a particularly vindictive, not to mention imaginative, god to have someone die via strolling down a city street and getting blown through a plate glass window by an errant sewer grating. You haven't lived... died... until you've stood over yourself in a slowly spreading puddle of your own blood, surrounded by panicking idiots and a sewer worker declaiming that it wasn't his fault the spark lit the gases. I tried to kick him, but it didn't go well. Don't think I didn't see the lighter in his back pocket, or the fag tucked behind his ear!

Anyway, Dan's doing ok so far. Ellen, a history in three (and a bit) decades. Suitable stories about growing up; about my falling out of trees, and off bikes, and into rivers, and over hedges, and... yeah ok, you can stop now, I was clumsy. We get that. Moving right along. Oh gawd, no. Don't tell them that one. You insensitive jerk! It wasn't my fault the field had an undeclared bull. It wasn't my fault the stupid thing looked up as I was crossing said field and took a fancy to me. Or maybe it was the straw hat I was wearing. Yes, fine, laugh it up. The hedge was high, I was short and my underwear was flimsy. I'm glad you all find the tale of the bull who ate the panties I left on the hedge as I vaulted it so amusing.

Oh good, this gets better. First job, hairdressing, and yes I might have left the perm on a bit long. The woman looked good bald, I swear! Yes, I did meet Prince Charles at the college fete and spend the entire time staring fixedly at his ears, unable to speak or move when he got to me in the line. Temporary paralysis brought on by the excitement, honestly. Yes, I did paint Happy Halloween backward on my face at the works do. I did it in a mirror, gimme a break here! Ok, I've had enough of this. I'm heading out to the car to wait for them. Maybe the reception will be better. Not sure I want to see 'Me-Barbeque' anyway.

Who's that over by the remembrance garden? Jerry? Really! Now you I did not expect. I'm glad I can smell you. Always loved your aftershave. It was like you, cool and classy. Have you been crying? Bloody hell, you have! I wish I could tell you how much I wanted us to stay together. I loved you so much it was a physical pain. The good kind of hurt. What you up to there? Aw, poppies. You remembered my favourites. I'm impressed. What's on the card? 'Ellen, I never stopped loving you, Jerry'.

Well why didn't you tell me, you moron!? I would have slaughtered anyone who came between us if I'd known, but no. You walked away. Gave me my freedom to follow my career. Didn't you know I'd have peeled potatoes, dusted picture rails and changed endless nappies on our multiple kids if you'd once told me you loved me? You didn't, did you? You had no idea what I would have given up for you. Jesus wept, I was an idiot... We both were. Too late now.

Wish I could hold you one last time. Here, let me tuck that bit of hair behind your ear. It was always falling in your eyes. Oh wow... I did it. I touched you. No, not now. Don't let me fade now! I can hear you sweetheart. Say it before I'm gone. Please.... Yes, oh yes. I always loved you too, Jerry, always will...

Jerry touched the spot close to his ear where he'd felt her fingers brush his hair. He smiled, whispered into the faint breeze which brushed across his lips;

“I'll come find you one day, El, so don't run too far.”